Celebrity News
10 Fake New Year’s Celebrity Resolutions
New Year’s Eve is upon us in the Western hemisphere and US Magazine published some celebrity New Year’s resolutions, most of which sound pretty boring. So we made up a list of celebrity resolutions we know you’d much rather see (unfortunately full well knowing they’ll probably break them).
- Pam Anderson - Stop marrying and divorcing jealous idiots. In the same year. And to start dating celebrity bloggers and having threesomes with them and Carmen Electra.
- Paris - Realize I have no talent and that I’m probably doomed to hosting parties for millions, since my grandpa disinherited me.
- Britney - Actually seek help from a caring peer, and maybe do some charity work instead of spending thousands on clothes every month and running over people. To stop dating paparazzi.
- Li.Lo - Stop thinking I matter anymore and going back to nipple slips.
- J.Lo. - Stop making crappy movies with whomever I’m currently in love with.
- Tara Reid - Stop exposing my surgically-ruined belly and drawing attention to it with a string of stripper beads. To stop passing out.
- Sherri Shepherd - Stop opening my mouth on The View and saying stupid things I obviously know nothing about.
- Christina Aguilera - Stop being a hypocrite, putting down Paris, Britney, Linsday about flashing their hoo-hah and then doing it myself. While I’m pregnant.
- Amy Winehouse - Stop snorting white stuff and walking around half-naked in the streets.
- Lily Allen - Stop smoking while simultaneously saying how much I care about the health of my fetus.
You’re welcome.
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